multiple meanings

A lot of people don’t get them.  And I’m okay with that for the most part.  For those of you comprehending the simultaneous possession of opposite various qualities in thoughts, experiences, and expressions:  I salute you!

 

gems and selective memory

Well, yes, it’s all about attention. And having an orientation to the world and experiences that is both particularly pragmatic and thoroughly meaningful.*

We all possess selective memories. Awareness and attention, perception, gets focused–or at least has fuzzy limits at a given moment of time–so as to encompass only so much. We’ll oftentimes acknowledge the variety of material and contradictions represented in such slices and mosaics of memories-of-lived-experiences and social interactions, but memory? Nothing more than our decision to focus attention on a generalized view or impression of a situation, person, environment, or constellation of factors that (which? hehe) come together in the unfolding of our lifetimes. Now, as with everything, we are capable of shaping our impressions sufficiently so that they are reduced to a complete distortion of the actual range of qualities they supposedly represent. What this reflects, however, because it is only a simplification, and now has attempted to distill a very large number of moments and social exchanges (or, alternatively, a–relatively or absolutely–very limited reference pool of the same, is far from many of the momentary constructions we actually used, and communicated, in original/spontaneous engagements. (In the case of limited exchange/s, the construction tends to be more dependent upon generic factors and individual sensitivities.) Oh wait–individual sensitivities is useful even in the longer term: We, and our environments, are changing on several scales at once. There’s the momentary shifts in moods and basics. Then we have “phases” that get recognized when more moments accumulate. And then, I suppose, the image of how those phases add up to produce who and what we are, once again, /in the moment/.

If we acknowledge the selective character of memory, enacted as a temporal process, we then see how much the act of remembering says about the actor eliciting and invoking memories. We can all recall positive, neutral, and negative aspects of the people, places, things, and ideas we (have) encounter (encountered). Where we choose to place the emphasis sends a signal of its own–and initiates other loops.** When we choose to empathize and confer the benefit-of-the-doubt, rather than construct an illusory tower of assumptions to fill in blanks, we open a discursive field that allows for deeper levels of mutual understanding.

* Read: receptive orientation.

** Incomplete, but wrapping it up for this moment, because I’ve already pushed through a few physiologically-generated stop signals.

 

convergence, deep sorrow, breaks, and continuity

Shocking and amazing. Such extremes. Just a start. Lots to write… and much seems so insignificant in light of other events I’ve learned of belatedly. I remember a time when the playful, yet still very much sincere, compassion infused similar times. Now, it is like they run on different channels, with a switch that takes more effort. I think part of it is finding adequate language, but then, still, the interpretation of tone is out of our hands.

There’s still that space to “just be,” yet to be authentic we feel an obligation to account for the gaps.

And yet, for the most part, people understand and relate to more than we realize.

 

empathy and justice

If you are vocal, then I hope you have a sense of both.

 

Little Yoda

Now I’m not even sure of Yoda’s height, but I’m still going to guess my 2 year-old nephew is shorter and much younger than the distinguished green sage.

My sister mentioned that Yoda is the probable halloween costume for nephew L this year. I could sorta see this coming. I am fully supportive, yet still cautious around his light saber wielding skills.

L is actually a lot like Yoda:

He uses words carefully. At least in my presence. (Ok, he actually communicates a lot nonverbally–especially with me and for my benefit. I have no doubt he will be a chatterbox before long, so I am enjoying the very cool understanding we have now.) It is so cool how he reacts to being treated with the same respect and high regard I’ve come to extend without regard to age or status. His will is strong and I have learned a lot from interactions with him–that is, I have learned a lot from him.

His facial expressions know no bound. I actually revel in all my nephews’ looks, and could just take continuous pictures of them from moment to moment, but it gets challenging with four of them: I pan faces faster without the extra hardware. I like to believe I don’t miss so much in the present. And then there are times when the camera gig is too much.

He responds with full comprehension to even complex constructions.And many times, he carries out actions I allude to, despite the rapidity of my speech. The “don’t expect, suggest” principle works well with him. (I have always found it curious I speak so fast at times, considering the fastest talkers have always alluded my own ability to lipread and comprehend speech.) What a reward to verify understanding through his actions, though!

And, for the most part, the sense of calmness and acceptance he has about himself and others. And, of course the energy that brings to his vicinity.

Aren’t we all embodiments of living contradictions?

 

not to be denied on multiple fronts

I thought I’d be kicking myself for not getting things checked out sooner, and then not being vigilant enough in follow-up. So I did overcompensate in follow-up, and have convinced myself to be quicker on the draw when minor ills present in the future.

I think things are working out again. What a mindgame that is, though, knowing how rapidly changes have come in the past. Sigh. It’s a luxury to forget the fluctuations in feelings of being well/ill. For too long, I just had to go along with it, and I was finally getting accustomed to shaping more of my days rather than other factors dictating them. I can talk tough now, at this moment. Yeah, I’ll go with that.

And that’s what pushes one to operate beyond routine. I don’t always acknowledge necessity like I should. Adapting and growing to get along well with what’s required let’s us look around some without falling.

 

cleaving fjords

So I’m on anti-biotics for a respiratory infection. It’s a short cycle, to finish tomorrow (today). Hard to say they are the only cause, but along with that old feeling like there’s an energy leech attached to me all the time (which I did not miss as a norm!), I’m noticing an aberration while in the midst of a quasi-hypergraphic stint: My spelling’s gone awry. I’ll even spell things correctly at first, but they don’t look right, so then I change only to realize I had it correct to begin. But not always. And I’m recalling concepts and long-dormant mental soundtracks. They are likely linked, which I find tremendously exciting. I think that was the post I lost, too, reflections on Oliver Sacks’_Musicophilia_, and portions I could identify with, as well as things I’ve always suspected but lacked numerous empirical examples to give then much weight.

But today was talent-show-extrordinaire nephew D’s birthday party. My dad borrowed a friend’s enclosed trailer to haul a bath/shower unit to my sister’s house. They’re in the midst of major renovations. I wasn’t there at the time, but the story goes that my parents were proclaiming the trailer to have D’s birthday present, a pony, in it. (Flash to the Seinfeld episode with, “How was I supposed to know she had a pony? Who would leave a country where everyone has ponies?!)

I guess D was a step ahead: he was already extending thank yous for his “new car.”

 

uberzone

It kind of figures. The day after I pop Liquid California in the tape deck, I receive confirmation on the first programming session for my Nucleus 22 ABI Freedom upgrade processor. The box came last week.

(pic insert; just see Flickr widget for now; also note marketing demographics: the hip youngsters on one side of box, and “mature” couple on the other side)

I haven’t had a chance to inspect the contents closely and play, er, learn about the components and accessories, but soon enough!

Other mechanical updates:

I’ve resumed my balance exercises. I’m amazed how much stability and flexibility have returned in my legs (as much as I’m nostalgic for my toned, muscular legs of youth). So, of course, I’m encouraging even more. (I couldn’t hold myself up, or get out of a chair or bed last March/May, and had to lean against the counter for teethbrushing.) That’s a rerun of prior recoveries, although at an extreme degree. That’s also after when I started being conscious of actions, I suppose. Weird, wild stuff…

My arms and hands were so weak. I wasn’t up to sitting at a computer, let alone typing. My left pinkie and ring fingers were limp, yet rigid. I could only reposition them with my other hand. Still, I kept up with this exercise where I touch the hand’s thumb to each fingertip, successively, concentrating on strength and accuracy. I’m guessing this builds dexterity. For both hands, improvements came slowly with time (perhaps aided with manual, deliberate teethbrushing). The left pinkie is still significantly weakened, but I’m now able to semi-straighten it (rather than it being in a perpetual claw form), as well as pull it into fist-form with the rest of the fingers. I did not expect that function to return. When I first started typing again, I had to use another finger to type zzzzs (a letter more commonly used by me than most people). I’m now happy to report my pinkie is handling the z beautifully.

All of this is icing on top of just living. I’m just mentioning it for others with various neurodegenerative diseases. My toes, feet, and lower legs are still fairly weak and lack the sensation and mobility of my younger days, but I don’t talk about the losses hardly ever. I do the exercises I can (the ones that don’t require any equipment, as I’ve mentioned before), and what happens is always icing. While I’m receptive to improvements, I’m always doing the best with what’s actually there now. I’m convinced of the effectiveness of momentum and inserting improvements to routine–making routine–for the purpose of body and behavior modification.

 

The Summer of Przybysz

AKA, the Summer of Anti-George

This doesn’t mean I’m against George Costanza, unless of course the Cubs should face the Yankees in the World Series. Rather the contrast in circumstances and goals, as I perceive them at this time.

This is a good kick-off for now. I think I’ll probably have other things to blog about, so I’m hesitant to make my blog all about personal development over the next several months, and hopefully years. But then, there are a lot of unique aspects that will likely coalesce into an interesting constellation of thoughts and experiences, which I may actually be in a frame of mind to work out publicly.

For pleasure reading, on the side-of-the-side, I’ve started Umberto Eco’s The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana. By started, I mean to say I’m only on the second chapter. It was a serendipitous find, a new copy for $5 in hardcover, at a local bargain bookstore. (I don’t have a severance package from the Yankees to bankroll my book buying, as much as I’m for supporting great works/minds/artists.) What makes a worthy novel is being able to identify with the protagonist, to empathize. Sometimes it’s in an abstract way that touches on universal themes. Sometimes details mirror more personal experiences, although maybe in converse ways. Sometimes it’s both. What’s interesting is that I’m dealing with the aftermath and continuing effects (and affects) of bilateral multilateral brain lesions and surgeries. It is only belatedly that I’ve come to realize the life-preserving function of behavior I engaged in that was, incidentally, healthier in the short and longer terms than banging my head against a brick wall, literally or metaphorically.

It still bothers me how much context flows through my mind, as I write, that I cannot manage to convey in a shortened and useful form. Still I’m setting out to revitalize both content and form. To merge them all. I am, largely optimistic. (This isn’t a broken record. There was merely a skip. Grand opportunities still abound.) I am primarily driven by various inspirations… and also more rationally fueled by readings in neuroscience over the last few years. Neural plasticity has certainly worked in my favor. Now to bring out the tools of another craft and synthesize it all again. (using the words… to bring things together, and to create something new, simultaneously; very cool.) Similar process, new product.

 

they checked my ego and forgot to give me the claim tag

That was twelve years ago.

That’s probably alright in the grand scheme of things: As a result, I’ve been piling on layers of experiential consciousness.

That’s useful when you get right down to it.

 

psych!

I suppose it’s a good thing I haven’t put my thermals away for the season.

 

Tiki March Madness

Tiki March Madness

Originally uploaded by przybysz.

What’s it all mean to you?

 

A year after

(Photos and post pending)

 

multi-edged and serrated

Some ponderings lately on dis/continuity and ir/reversibilty in experiential trajectories.

 

Leaping

It’s fitting enough that today is Leap Day. I appreciate leaping and going out on limbs. In many contexts, it’s grand and exposes us to more aspects of life, with the consequence of furthering understanding and compassion, assuming we’re receptively oriented. I don’t think I personally throw all caution to the wind, but I do tend to place possible outcomes in perspective, even while acknowledging the actual outcome is likely to differ greatly from anything I imagine. With a lot of things, the most immediate risk is maintaining face (easier when acting from a space of self-acceptance) and perhaps making someone else uncomfortable. I usually dwell much more on the possibility of the latter than the former. I don’t place inflated expectations or demands on others’ responses. The unpredictable contingencies of life are what make it worthwhile, when one is privileged by the dependable presence of basic food, shelter, and security.