Way back, someone had written about how sometimes as frequently as every day there was a period of time where he allowed himself to mourn his losses (and the losses of others in the world) and sort of wallow in pity… and that this was something that he did for a very short period of time, but he let it happen if he felt like it… and then he was free to move out from there and live.
When I first joined the Crew I remember asking about advice for dealing with whatever happened (I asked a lot of questions back then!) and I remember someone (maybe one of the giants you speak of, but they lived in this world just as we are doing) saying it’s seldom a particular state of being that’s so difficult to live with, it’s that initial change in state.
I put the two together… and soon I had turned outward (and inward at the same time) and I was getting that balance: It’s hard because we don’t want to let go of things if they can be improved somehow, yet we need to know when to just fly with it and improvise.
The thing is, if we let go of something and are still receptive for it to return then we can move on and if it does return, then we are surprised and delighted (breathing, walking, eating, days free of constant and severe headaches, mornings not filled with nausea, and hearing music in my experience). If it doesn’t, then we just keep on keeping on (a full smile, and I know there’s other stuff for me, but I don’t even think about them anymore so I can’t name ’em).
The reason why I’m “up” a lot of the time now and why the Crew rarely sees my “down” times is because everything is just part of a process now… and having come through a really rough few years of living day-to-day and experiencing total dependence on the people around me, I can use what I learned through those experiences to fuel my life every day. When I came out of my surgery in 1996, I couldn’t do anything for myself. At first it was pure torture because my body was completely out of control and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
It didn’t take long for me to just totally give into it… and instead of fighting the dependency, I reveled in it as an experience. I was still very much determined to get myself back in shape to do things for myself again, but it stopped being about me fighting to get up a mountain and just turned into me traveling down the path, learning what I could along the way and not really thinking about where it was leading. That’s how I dealt with the cycles of depression when the uncertainties were getting the best of me.
It’s not that I’ve always been happy (or even that I always am happy happy all the time now), it’s just that going through the extreme states that NF2 exposes us to had to be for a reason for me and it seems like no matter what was/is happening to my body, the constant has been my ability to define what it all meant/means.
You are one of the “WOW!” people.
It doesn’t mean you’ll always be in a cheery mood, but if you’ll stick around a bit and give things some time then I’ll bet the better days will overpower the others. Please give it a go because we need you.
By the way, I despised the rehab people and hated it when people kept telling me to be patient during periodic fits of thinking things were going too slow. Everything looks so much better when looking back, though! I hope you get to do the same, although maybe a little different.