My head is full of lots tonight. And I’m actually in a mood that would just let it flood out onto the screen. But I know I’m tired, and despite my rapid touch-typing, there’s no way I’m going to get a good story that leads up to the main point, or even get the key things that prompted me to open a composing window here. Apologies in advance.

The experiences have been so rich. Life’s always been about other people for me….. the things that have happened to me, that I couldn’t control, and some that I could, I easily interpret as vehicles/catalysts of interactions with so many more people than I otherwise would have associated. I did this before I even knew it was a “sociological perspective.” And even though I did not always realize at the times, all the social contracts I was endorsing, there are times like now…

Being Human.

my point, my point:

The effects of NF2, the tumors, the remainders of surgeries, the scars that aren’t visually perceptible even to someone cutting my hair… the loss of connections, having others in positions where they CAN depend on you, reliably, and feeling assured that more-times-than-not I’ll be fine meeting commitments. That social aspect is certainly what I miss most. I think it’s why a lot of my movements tend to be spontaneous–because every day (and sometimes every moment) is so contingent, in a very explicit in-my-face/head way. I’ve been here before–where I can even see myself resuming so much; even putting powerful, legitimate reservations on the side. I even get to where I fully throw everything into the pot.

Now that I’m writing this, I realize–contrary to more recent times–over the longer term, just going ahead and going out on limbs, and just checking into things, and exploring possibilities, minimizing the anticipatory fretting about inconveniencing folks, tossing insecurities to the wayside… well, it’s been effective.

But it still goes… life owes me nothing, and it never did. (I guess that’s the same as, “life is what we make it,” but I don’t like myself much when I feel like I’m making other people do something.)
I have found myself in nothing-to-lose positions many times. There’s freedom here, because expectations are lowered. But, in stark contrast to many who are familiar with me and have noticed I lack consistency, my expectations, internally, are continually responsive to what I *think* my body and mind can do. This has served me well, propelling me forward at times I had no right of doing many things I was still able to do. (Denying assumed effects of a physical reality opens up a pretty vast terrain to play interpretive games, and I’ve always enjoyed brain games.) Sometimes I even talk about pulling back some, to take care of myself, and all that, but if I do that and it doesn’t lead to the desired results… if things just get worse… and then maybe there’s a different shift that gets thrown in… and then I find myself doing more, feeling better, and just SNAP! A change towards a virtuous cycle (instead of the common vicious one that chronic disorders tend to induce) immediately prompts me to Go, Go, Go, while the going’s good enough.

Oh–but the point is supposed to be about being uncomfortable with the whole thing of not controlling the timing and duration of things like tumor growth, inflammation or pain, precisely because they affect others… and not because they, in themselves, are uncontrollable by me (to an indefinite extent).

I know, that pretty much applies to everyone.