Feelings


is coloring my vision. And running in my head, of course!

“Oh sunny day, oh yeah…..”

checking out my photographs

The day started with omelets. Pictorial documentation’s imminent. I’m on the cusp of the 21st Century in one respect at least. Text is alright for this moment, right?

I’ve been on an activity drive since the flurried excitement of a morning allowing the Grands to rest while I engaged in the wonderful exercise of communication and bigtime planning with nephews C and D. What a great gig!

And my mind’s been cranking out the juice all day.

This is so surreal! I’m even gonna copy and paste some contemporaneous, same-day writings. I haven’t been this bold about revealing some of the raw innerworkings of my mind for well over a decade.

INXS just kicked in for the internal jukebox. So taste it, maybe:

New Sensation.

Are you feeling so good because you got an optimistic report from the doc?

No! LOL this is all on my head, just like my tons of tumors and all. I’ve NEVER been one to feel a way because it’s what’s expected. Always exploring what my body and mind might have to offer. Or at least that’s what I’ve always tried. Sometimes things click. Mysterious and grand!

Jamie

“I am totally in a Zen, present moment cycle here. Very similar to my recovery after extreme brain stem-shifting tumor removal of Summer 1998, that defied expectations and catapulted me into grad school and stuff. I am very much enjoying the ride. The level of clarity is astounding! It’s likely I’ll have a few manuscripts out of all this! LOL!!!

I love creativity. Man did I miss my brain there!!! It’s like a long lost friend is back.

What a ride! Lots of good music in my head!

Jamie”

Subject: More Research — mutated to Jamie Shifting the Paradigm

(Belated note: I was replying to something, that was being discussed in the conventional ways of clinical trial research enterprises, but had missed the context until I was well into elaborating on what had already commenced in my mind. It’s been good to have a sense of how the wheels turn from different ends of the crankshaft.)

I don’t want to freak anyone out on the Crew, or alienate folks with my inspired musings, but it’s entertaining me to see what’s coming out here. I’m highly self-regulating here, so I’m in control and you should not be worried. I’m just sharing this, if you feel like the read. :) As I said, though, I shifted the original context.)

Yeah, we’ll see how things go! It’s like I’m on a personal clinical trial of my own design!!! Of course the absolute best thing would be for whatever to translate into some use for other people. For the moment, I’m embracing all these really cool perspectives. And enjoying moving all over, too. Cleaning, showering, cooking, and taking care of/playing with nephews has been effortless. Pure joy: you have no idea, perhaps. (I know you guys haven’t been aware of my chronic problems because I just kind of endure stuff and get by, but I know there are people who can relate to the degree of effort put into each and every, everyday thing, that builds up for chronically and progressively ill individuals that does exist experientially.) (Though maybe we’ll get some fluidity and reversibility here, like you observe in collective behavior contagion models.)

Right now, though, it’s like I’m a little energy rich kid again. But with greater skill. And I hope it’s contagious! Very cool that we may biologically possess the power to retain that perceptual memory, and can perhaps draw on it when we fall into a vulnerable state, despite the bulks of tumors in our bodies, or controlling if or how rapidly they may grow. My body is functioning at optimal pace, and I’m tuned into the perfect balance of the past, present, and future. Simultaneously! Perfection! In ways, the world’s a state of mind, but it’s reciprocally conditioned by biological constraints. And we gotta respect those. Life and creation is so beautifully complex and elegant. What an elusive power, though, in the things that we can’t willfully force. Hope, yes. But what comes… It is most up to us to remain receptive. What are you building for yourself and others?

Benevolence.

————–

I’m on this wavelength out here. I started this theory stuff as part of formal studies, too, and it’s coming back via another round of lived experience, which is pretty exciting. Science requires repetition and replication. I’m getting a repetition of a local phenomenon (many levels and scales over the years, actually: training, practice). And then I see how my repeated individual experiences open an area that may universalize the possibility for others (any human being: we’re all vulnerable to threats to basic life-sustaining processes). Man this moves even beyond Irv Zola! How awesome! The synthesis of the biological and the social. All those beautiful connections and links!

My mind is organizing stuff internally, yet I’m not getting all bogged down in fretting about whether it’s gonna be possible to convey it in a form comprehensible to others because right now it’s about laying the blueprint for me and enjoying my current ride. Awareness. I’m extensively aware of the context I haven’t been able to provide yet for all this. (As well as some explication of prior philiosophers and humanists.) There’s tons. And it’s falling in the “manageable,” and “doable,” column once again. The opportunity to pursue such a wild living experiment. The bionic, the effects of technology that’s been integrated in my very being. Brainstem as body’s regulatory control center, and what’s with mine and the effect that the ABI has had, especially in light of having to withstand repeated mass damage and scar tissue–but what ameliorative effect has the electrical stimulation and phenomena of alternative auditory-sensation-production contribute as to enhancing functional capacity? Vast potential, even in the face of infinite variables, perhaps.

I know I have the capacity again to communicate all the subtle intricacies of what I’ve learned, through living in such vibrant and diverse spheres of experience. Of course, that was all socially generated. I guess I’m lifting that veil between the Private and Public spheres, or something like that.

Things are what they are. In the moment.

——
OK, so steroid weaning is still satisfactory. I have been riding a great natural endorphin high, or whatever. The contrast to chronic pain makes it that much more enjoyable. And I’m into reintegrating here. Very even-keeled about everything. Optimal healing environment.

Good drama and it’s free.

Feels and tastes great!!!

I feel like an accomplished gymnast when I rise to my feet. It cracks me up. I was the kid that had trouble touching her toes without bending her knees… Sticking landings? Not so great back then, so good thing the smile was always on, if internally uncertain! (I did consider myself a stocky sort of kid… Kind of disproportionately small midsection to accommodate all my potato chip guts.)

Don’t worry now: I don’t do things in ways that bug people here. At least I don’t think I’m happy-in-an-irritating way. That’s good. People don’t always know how to deal with too much happiness. I’m a good influence, I swear. And not boring. I’m flying high, but refrain from anything that would irritate others. I’ve got this multi-perceptual and perspectival sense of my body and mind. Peace, contentment, absence of pain. The stark contrast from what’s been my baseline for months, if not years. Save for a few days in there. There’s something to be said for variety again. Better than any synthesized drug. I love it when my body steps up. Taking nothing for granted. Definitely milking it all here. Great to see in true colors. Time after time. The mental soundtrack. Mellow, in synch. I’m not a singer, but my voice is beautiful for the purpose.

It’s nice to have my internal orchestra back. That got me through the roughest parts. I think I camouflaged things pretty well. I’m good at that experince thing. Sometimes I forget, but it’s nice to have circuits functioning now that allow me to remember. (Amazing stuff–brains and minds so FASCINATING!!!) Didn’t mean to be deceptive or secretive or what-not, but why go around insisting everything’s a big whoop? Jamie’s just around to maybe benignly (like her tumors, eh?), and even surreptitiously, bring out the substance that makes folks feel good about themselves, precisely so they reflect it towards others, and remain receptive to receive more. Reciprocal affirmations. Simple stuff. Merging of mind, self, and society. You get it, right?

“See it and be it!” Whoahahahahahaaa! Hilarious!

And yeah, you may characterize a bit here, as in a state-of-being of mania, but it’s more a healthful state. When I was a kid, my constitution was like this. I always thought it was normal. I did have mean and rebellious streaks in there. It takes all kinds. Toughens you up. It’s good to be able to stick up for yourself without feeling a necessity to knock others down. Best lesson ever instilled in me. My parents should’ve raised the world. ‘Course I still have the core of striving. That’s creation and purpose, meaning. Life-sustaining processes. Evolution. Sometimes things play out. But how to react. To have that power to react. To have successive momentary opportunities to make decisions. And to ensure others have equal access. How does that spread through humanity, so that we all equally respect the humanness in all others?

I love creating that sort of space for people.